breakthrough. break out. break down. break up.

spring is officially upon us, along with 80° weather and daffodils that died too soon. the colors and smells of spring rushed into our senses almost overnight, almost before we had time to process the change, but the headiness of it all was much welcomed. although spring isn't necessarily my favorite season, it is a season of new beginnings for me... a real time to reflect as my dormant consciousness yields to my wanderlust. i'm making plans. i'm making changes.

break out
unlike a caterpillar in it's cocoon, i made no real changes this past winter. i laid around, stuck most of the time. unable to move from my SAD state, praying that warmer weather might just change things. but, now that it's warm enough to move around, i've got plans... i wanna look good. i wanna look gooooood! i feel like stepping out in a dress so flowy, so feminine, with the thinnest of straps, made in the softest of materials. i feel like moving around, getting back into yoga, getting back on the tennis court. i feel like spreading my wings, to go somewhere, to do something. wine festivals, New Orleans, Atlanta Greek... i've got plans to make moves.

break down
but, i've got no money. #shruglife. it's easy to look at the news and scoff at the unemployment rates when you have a job that you complain about every other day. but let me give you first hand knowledge. IT'S REAL! i've been looking for work for months with no real leads. i've been told i'm overqualified for a job that i only need to pay the rent. it's depressing and humbling. i've never had to rely on other people. growing up, you never had to worry about Sarah. i was quiet and smart and could take care of myself. i had a good head on my shoulders, as my elder would say. but now, i feel so utterly helpless, with my mother and boyfriend footing the bill for my life. the best part of it all, is you really take pleasure in the smallest of things, such as your friend buying you French fries and a latte because those are guilty pleasures you can no longer afford. i am thankful for so much, although there is latent anxiety and depression.

break up
more than anything, i'm ready for the midwinter monotony to dissipate. with longer nights comes a longing to do more, be more. even if it starts with a good spring cleaning, hopefully that act will make way for new things to bloom in my life. maybe some frustrations will begin to clear up with a clean slate. i wonder what this spring will bring.
i was at my usual table at my usual time craving venti iced sweet black tea instead of a grande whole milk mocha and wanted something complimentary to accompany it. Starbucks has recently added some great minis to its menu... mini cake pops, mini tarts, and mini pies, and i had my mouth all set for the mini apple pie. i figured the sweet apple with slightly salty pie crust would be a nice foil for the tea. everyone else must've had the same idea because the cafe near my house was freshly out of mini pies. ugh, i hate when that happens. Starbucks has a special talent for getting me hooked on a bakery item and pulling it/running out of it right when i crave it most. they did it with the maple sausage scone and again with the chocolate old fashioned donut, and now they were out of the mini apple pies. right when i was gonna settle for a croissant or the ever faithful iced lemon loaf, i spy something new... a chocolate cinnamon bread. hmm... wasn't really in the mood for cinnamon, but cinnamon and chocolate together might work. if you've never had Mexican chocolate, get some. it's nutty, chocolatey, and warmly cinnamontastic, which was what got me in the mood for this sweet bite.

i broke off a piece that big... i'm a lady. sometimes.

what we have here is delicious chocolate cake with a crunchy cinnamon-sugar crust in bread's clothing. this is no bread, but i didn't expect it to be. yummy it was, which i expected it to be, although teetering on cloying. the cinnamon is a perfect foil, saving it from being too sweet. wish there were hints of salt/spice more present in the cake, but it was so moist and i'm a chocoholic, i'm a fan by default. check it out!
did you remember to set your clocks forward? me neither... all digital everything.

but this shan't be about daylight savings time. this shall be an obvious segue, more so than my pride will ever let me admit, into the construct of time and how we use it in life. or misuse it.

no matter where you are on this earth or in your life, a second is a second. a minute is constant. so, why then, does a second feel like a minute depending on the moment in your life? when you're experiencing trauma or boredom, just one second could feel very different. i've known that all in one day, some seconds seem to have been much more tedious and drawn out than all the others... that i remember some and can't even recall another... that few seem like a gift and many seem to escape my grasp even when i've gripped ever so tightly. when i'm running late, i pray for five minutes to extend themselves into 15. when someone else is running late, i pray that I'll be there in a sec! is the truest sec. and the years. THE YEARS! during the summer of 1995, i was convinced that was the longest year of my life. the summer was long, hot and unrelenting; the winter was even crueler. i felt perpetually eleven years old. these years, i regret ever asking time to speed up. slow down a minute, just for a second. time... what a grim fairy tale.

i am fascinated and extremely fearful of the concept of time, that by which we measure living. considering everything we use time to measure: speed, acceleration, momentum... like a ride in the car. how our lives are propelled through this virtual reality of time, ever stop a minute to think if you've taken the right road, if you've sped through the parts you should've slowed down for, if you missed a turn as a result, if you've enjoyed the ride? because this car hasn't the ability reverse and it has no brakes. that's the hardest thing to learn about time.

but, does time teach a lesson? i've had a lot of doubt, not necessarily regret, concerning my life. wondering about the decisions i've made, the ones that seem to have been made for me. were they the right ones, the most effective use of my time, and sometimes am i in the place i'm supposed to be in? maybe i just have too much time on my hands, or maybe this is just the right time to ask the right questions. when things feel off or i've experienced failure, i have to ask, what's the lesson to be learned by the roadblocks encountered in my life? there has to be a reason, right?

maybe it's because i have reached a certain age that i have become so introspective. life is short. one day i looked up, and my childhood was over. entering into a new phase in my life where the things i do and decisions i make hold more weight, carry more momentum... i feel as if i have very little room for error. the car keeps on rolling and the road ahead looks to be bumpier. but, with that realization also means i have a lot more time, a lot more life to live. a new phase. and no matter the doubt, regret, fails, wins, i still have ample time to live it. i might even be wasting time wondering if i've wasted time.