so, i’d like to think that i used to be hot.

when i started high school, i remember asking a guy friend of mine if he thought i was beautiful. my mother has called me beautiful and so has my father. but, that’s kinda their job. they thought i was beautiful when i was covered in amniotic fluid and mucus. well, my mother did say i had a real awkward period but, at the time, she called me beautiful.

but, it’s different when the guy you’re attracted to calls you beautiful. it makes it more real. i wasn’t interested in my guy friend, but he wasn’t related to me so it was a step in the right direction. or so i thought. he told me no. that son of a bitch. if he had been a girl, he would have said, “totally! if i were a guy, i’d find you attractive for sure! and, you’re beautiful on the inside too.” but, since he lacked ovaries, there wasn’t a cloud of estrogen and lies to cushion the truth.

me on the left
the consolation prize he offered was that i was cute. and definitely sexy. he’d do me. okay. i can work with that. i’m about 5’8” and, in high school, i was about 145-155lbs. i waivered between sizes 8-10, mostly hips. and i fed my effortlessly flat stomach with chili cheese fries and cookies & cream ice cream. but, i still wanted to be beautiful because, in my mind, hot chicks get laid; beautiful girls get married. and i’ve wanted to get married since i was four years old.
as i got older, i guess i grew into my own. i found a guy who found me hot and beautiful. i was sooo happy. we were in love, y’all. then he left. and since i couldn’t let him go, i let me go. so, 45lbs later, i am no longer hot. and i’m barely cute anymore. granted, i still get stares and catcalls and compliments. but, i just figure guys call me cute and beautiful now because it might just land them in my pants with these hips.

when i contemplated going natural and going back to school 1000 miles from home, my mother, and many others, questioned my sanity. what are you running from? why are you cutting all that pretty hair? is something wrong? why you trying to get ugly before you find a husband? thanks for the support guys!

after i lost the weight... which i gained back
so, i lost the weight and the hair. and i went back to school less than an hour away from my home. but the stress and loneliness is palpable. and getting your PhD with unresolved life issues takes its toll. just ask my formerly flat waistline. me at a size 14 is not hot. at least i don’t think so.

so, i’m sitting here watching I Used To Be Fat on MTV. high schoolers vow to reinvent themselves before they head off to college by losing a bunch of weight. and here i thought college was place where mature scholars congregated for the purpose of higher learning… my bad! but, i get it. the freshman fifteen is real (it was ten for me). the first episode was about a homecoming queen who felt unhot at 253lbs. but, it would seem that she has a majority vote who thought she was rad, so why the inner lack of confidence? confidence is key! if you build it, they will come.

homecoming queen -90lbs
but i’m going to make like the homecoming queen and take my hot back. who knows how long it will take. i’m undisciplined and lazy as hell. but i’m just putting it out there. at least i know what my problem is. i generally don’t have an eating problem; i don’t exist on chili cheese fries anymore. i have a moving problem. my emotions are tied in my activity level. when i get sad/depressed/stressed, i literally can’t move. so, i need to find a something to push me past that point. a motivation. and it shall be my formerly hot self.
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