i have weight issues.

like, i'm not obese, but i am overweight. i got my my yearly check up and i'm perfectly healthy, but my BMI puts me at risk. which is a mess because i know more unhealthy thin people that i know unhealthy overweight people. you could argue that it's because bigger people are more aware and under a scope and thinner people feel as if they can eat whatever the hell they want. actually, you couldn't argue that because i would have no comeback. congratulations.

be that as it may, i could stand to lose some weight. i know that it would not only make me look better, but feel better. you know what sucks about losing weight though? a lot of things. but, here are four of them right off the top of my head:

1. the damn gym

heaven if you're a fit gay man. hell if you're a fat anything else. let that irony wash over your brain.

scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook, i stumbled on this status:  "i shoulda took my chunky butt to the gym, but no what did i do. i stayed home and relaxed. UGH WHY DO I HATE THAT PLACE SO MUCH! WHAT CAN MAKE THIS EXPERIENCE BETTER BESIDES MUSIC! JESUS...I KEEP PRAYING ON IT."

and i felt an immediate understanding. here's the rub though. it's not the actual working out that makes the gym uncomfortable. it's the people. here is another status i read on Facebook: "ugh! so many fatties at the gym today hogging up the ellipticals!" all i'm trying to do is defattify myself and i have to field stares and snarky laughter, whether real or imaginary, from all of the hot people who seem to be working out for no damn reason. i just wanna yell, "get your skinny ass off the machine! what are you doing here anyway? don't you have a perfect party for perfect people with perfect asses to attend??" which brings me to point two, because the damn gym is full of...

2. judgy people
there is no denying the stigma that surrounds being overweight. most people believe it to be as simple as 1,2,3. put the fork down, jump on a treadmill, stop being a loser. but no one takes the time to realize the huge mental roadblock involved in being fat and losing weight. people don't put on weight for no reason. i can easily say that at the happiest point in my life so far, i was also at my healthiest in terms of weight. conversely, at the most unhappiest and stressful point in my life, i am the heaviest i have ever been. some people thrive on stress... others do not. just tune in to one episode of biggest loser and you will see that emotions and weight go together like hazelnuts and chocolate. it's not so easy as jumping on a treadmill, and those that do take this route will not see long lasting benefits. you have to deal with the inside and let the outside follow suit. which brings me to...

3. losing the protective force field
i watch ruby, on style channel. it's the journey of a woman who lived most of her adult life being over 400lbs, being 716lbs at her heaviest, to lose weight. this past season, she got down to 330lbs before she hit a wall, finding life approaching the 200s as scary and unfamiliar. she was just starting to explore more options in terms of food, fashion, and dating. but, subconsciously, she started to eat more and put back on the weight that she had worked so hard to lose. why? neither she nor the audience knows the answer, but there was a traumatic event that occurred when she was younger that she cannot remember. she only has memories after the age of 12 and in all of those memories she was fat. in talks with her counselor, friends, and family, they all believe that she was probably abused. her mother knows more that she lets on but does admit that she may have contributed to her being larger to protect her from people. (o_O)

i can't lie and say that i don't understand this thinking, even though intentionally fattening someone up just to "protect" them is akin to abuse, but there are countless anecdotes from people who are overweight who also have troubles letting go of tragedies and past abuses. I can say that when i was thinner, i would get a lot of attention from people. not all of that attention was positive and i've ended up with a broken heart or two. conversely, i can say that, being larger, i am usually surrounded good natured people. the men whom i date seem to like me for who i am inside and aren't so much hung up on physical attributes. the friends i have made are true, because if you don't like a person just because they're fat, you're an asshole right?

4. nothing
i have to say, compared to cuisine and travel, being fat is escapism at it's worst. it's expensive many times over. i have a group of friends with whom i do dinner once a month. once a month, we pick a restaurant, preferably one that none of us has been to before, and we catch up on life. it's great because we are all in grad school, which dominates +50hrs of our lives a week, so we have a chance to stay connected. however, since we are all in grad school, looking at the bill for these lengthy dinners, which almost always is at an upscale restaurant and includes much needed cocktails, my student budget suffers.

on top of that, when the seasons change and i switch over from winter to summer wear, or vice versa, and things don't fit like they did last year, that means i have to invest in a whole new seasonal wardrobe that i, again, can't really afford. not to mention, it feels really wasteful buying clothes for what one deems as a temporary phase in their lives, all because "i'll start working out tomorrow" has been a mantra for three months. if i actually did work out today, instead of tomorrow, and continue that pattern, i would unlock a wardrobe of fly clothes that i haven't been able to wear in years.

living in tomorrow doesn't work very well for the overweight. when i think about how much time i have wasted so that my today can be better, i get really depressed about it. if i had kept up with working out/yoga/tennis that i started last semester, i'm pretty sure The Life of Sarah would be a much different one. on the flip side, dwelling on yesterday doesn't work either. lamenting about was happened or didn't happen last week/month/year only digs a deeper hole. and when you're fat, climbing out of a hole seems damn near impossible.
0 Responses