you ever felt stuck right at the moment when all you wanna do is run?

i remember one cold, rainy night when i was kid, my mother and i sat in the car in our winter coats and hats, coming from/going to i cannot remember where. and i could read the frustration on her face, but i struggled to not ask what was wrong. i mean, i knew what was wrong... the car wouldn't start. but, i didn't know what was wrong. i watched in pained silence as my mother tried over and over to start the car, hearing the teasing vru-vru-vru-vru, i dare not ask any questions. i watched as she took the keys out, blew on them, pumped the gas pedal, then tried to start the car again. Vru-vru-vru-vru-vru! Dammit! this was much more than wondering if there was enough gas or maybe calling a mechanic, because if that were an option, it would have been done. my mind flashed to the candles that lit the house, the hot bath water heated by the gas stove, and the free meals we had gotten from the church and i just knew. i sat staring straight ahead as my mother placed her head on the steering wheel, praying and cursing the check engine light gods. i made sure to sit extra still and extra tall... maybe my good posture will make the car start. and fix the house lights. my mother pulled the keys out of the car and slumped back in her seat, unclicked her seat belt. then... she looked at me and smiled, her moist eyes sparkling. i smiled back at her, happy for no damn reason other than the break in mood. Okay Sabas (that's me). One more try.

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Sunday



i was excited about the start of the Baltimore Farmer's Market, only to get there and see it was about 33% occupied. just like last year around this time. i did score some lovely spinach and parsley (same as last year, oddly enough), which i used to make a great Easter salad.


Monday


photo a day: younger me. at prom in 2002 having a photo opp with a friend, back when no man smiled in pictures.


Tuesday

photo a day: cold. a close-up of my beloved Starbucks cold cup.


Wednesday


my lunch: pan-seared salmon with couscous and sautéed spinach. i'm still having flashbacks about it.


Thursday


i want her hair. getting my hair to that length is further away than previously thought since my birthday trim. le sigh.


Friday the 13th


sushi night with my sorority sisters started off with copious amounts of krab at Maté and ended with copious amounts of waiting at Georgetown Cupcake. i regret nothing.


Saturday


photo a day: how i feel today. especially after seeing how much i owe in taxes this year.

walking out of my apartment, i'm consistently met a beautiful reminder that it is in fact spring time. and i'm getting caught up in the newness the season brings. although i can't actually afford new anything, window shopping is still $free.99! Let's get into some seasonal fashions...

spring sights





having soooo much time on my hands mean i can explore the beautiful sights of the season. the Cherry Blossoms, the bevy of museums in Baltimore and DC, day dates/parties gives me the opportunity to play with a relaxed, care-free, subtly sexy style. these mock-wedges give the illusion of a heel that will appease my bf, but offer the support of a wedge to be able to handle a day of walking through the city. the colors of the Marni for H&M top scream spring and are best paired with white slim chinos.


spring classics



clearly, i'm ready to re-enter the workforce and am ready to start experimenting with professional work hard, play harder outfits. i imagine myself after a week of work, skipping from my office to the nearest happy hour. to do that, i'm looking into double duty outfits. by day, the flirty peplum dress in a bright color will show my enthusiasm for the approaching weekend, most likely covered with a cute office appropriate cardigan. after work, the spring sweater comes off and a hint of skin comes out, just in time for after work drinks. a cute envelope clutch and pyramid heels in psuedo-neutrals round out the look, with a pop of color with the button earrings, which i've been feeling for a while now.

i saw an old friend yesterday. i hadn't seen her in over a year because, you know, life gets in the way. we got busy with school and boyfriends and making it through the day. so a day turned into a week, which turned into months of not checking in. still very much in my thoughts, i wonder what she's been up to? i'll call her later tonight and "later tonight" features making up with my man or a last minute re-do of an experiment and "later tonight" turns in i'll call her tomorrow and tomorrow is always a day away. we had lost touch but we didn't lose that connection, i hoped.


i saw an old friend yesterday and after a year or so of missing her, it felt like only a day had passed. out of the corner of my eye, we caught a glimpse of each other, then the next several minutes were filled with tears and laughter and how have you been? i've been meaning to call you! i have so much to tell you! in a large crowd, our screams of delight blocked out any other sound and it was just like... old times.


i miss her already. and you know how that goes. we parted with great intentions of keeping in touch, but the fact remains that we hadn't done a good job of that over the past year and a half. so much has changed and it all happened without her there, without me there. and seeing how much has changed almost makes me feel like i've missed out. maybe we'll do a better job. but what remains unchanged is the love. i just wonder when i'll catch a glimpse of her again...

i was at my usual table at my usual time craving venti iced sweet black tea instead of a grande whole milk mocha and wanted something complimentary to accompany it. Starbucks has recently added some great minis to its menu... mini cake pops, mini tarts, and mini pies, and i had my mouth all set for the mini apple pie. i figured the sweet apple with slightly salty pie crust would be a nice foil for the tea. everyone else must've had the same idea because the cafe near my house was freshly out of mini pies. ugh, i hate when that happens. Starbucks has a special talent for getting me hooked on a bakery item and pulling it/running out of it right when i crave it most. they did it with the maple sausage scone and again with the chocolate old fashioned donut, and now they were out of the mini apple pies. right when i was gonna settle for a croissant or the ever faithful iced lemon loaf, i spy something new... a chocolate cinnamon bread. hmm... wasn't really in the mood for cinnamon, but cinnamon and chocolate together might work. if you've never had Mexican chocolate, get some. it's nutty, chocolatey, and warmly cinnamontastic, which was what got me in the mood for this sweet bite.

did you remember to set your clocks forward? me neither... all digital everything.

but this shan't be about daylight savings time. this shall be an obvious segue, more so than my pride will ever let me admit, into the construct of time and how we use it in life. or misuse it.

no matter where you are on this earth or in your life, a second is a second. a minute is constant. so, why then, does a second feel like a minute depending on the moment in your life? when you're experiencing trauma or boredom, just one second could feel very different. i've known that all in one day, some seconds seem to have been much more tedious and drawn out than all the others... that i remember some and can't even recall another... that few seem like a gift and many seem to escape my grasp even when i've gripped ever so tightly. when i'm running late, i pray for five minutes to extend themselves into 15. when someone else is running late, i pray that I'll be there in a sec! is the truest sec. and the years. THE YEARS! during the summer of 1995, i was convinced that was the longest year of my life. the summer was long, hot and unrelenting; the winter was even crueler. i felt perpetually eleven years old. these years, i regret ever asking time to speed up. slow down a minute, just for a second. time... what a grim fairy tale.

i am fascinated and extremely fearful of the concept of time, that by which we measure living. considering everything we use time to measure: speed, acceleration, momentum... like a ride in the car. how our lives are propelled through this virtual reality of time, ever stop a minute to think if you've taken the right road, if you've sped through the parts you should've slowed down for, if you missed a turn as a result, if you've enjoyed the ride? because this car hasn't the ability reverse and it has no brakes. that's the hardest thing to learn about time.

but, does time teach a lesson? i've had a lot of doubt, not necessarily regret, concerning my life. wondering about the decisions i've made, the ones that seem to have been made for me. were they the right ones, the most effective use of my time, and sometimes am i in the place i'm supposed to be in? maybe i just have too much time on my hands, or maybe this is just the right time to ask the right questions. when things feel off or i've experienced failure, i have to ask, what's the lesson to be learned by the roadblocks encountered in my life? there has to be a reason, right?

maybe it's because i have reached a certain age that i have become so introspective. life is short. one day i looked up, and my childhood was over. entering into a new phase in my life where the things i do and decisions i make hold more weight, carry more momentum... i feel as if i have very little room for error. the car keeps on rolling and the road ahead looks to be bumpier. but, with that realization also means i have a lot more time, a lot more life to live. a new phase. and no matter the doubt, regret, fails, wins, i still have ample time to live it. i might even be wasting time wondering if i've wasted time.