sarah
i've been eyeballing this grey sweater dress in my closet for a whole two weeks now. i got it right at the end of spring for $15 at a season clearance sale and only got one wear out of it before the weather had turned too warm. it was during a date to the
Baltimore Museum of Art with my honey. that dress was perfect for that day, as it was kind of cloudy and cool, and my boyfriend thought i was cute as a button in it. it's been hanging in my closet ever since, waiting for the first snap in the air to be whisked from it's humid prison. i haven't broken it out yet because the timing hasn't been... ideal. sure, there have been a couple of cool, even chilly days, but mostly mornings that yield to hot/humid afternoons. not yet. even today, it's almost October (0_0) and still topping out at 80°F (O_O). so the dress shall wait patiently for the perfect moment, when i can throw it on with some leather boots and a colorful scarf and enjoy the crisp, cool air. hello
Autumn! you're my favorite!
day and night
if you follow me on
Twitter, you'd know that i endure a hour and a half commute every morning and evening. it's not too terrible; a lot of sitting and waiting, but that means that a lot of my free time is chewed up by... sitting and waiting. so, i need a work wardrobe that transforms easily to hanging out after hours. comfy materials in tailored cuts, bright colors, easy to wear, but still full of personality. i'm really feeling jewel tones and lots of leather this fall and those green pumps are to die for!
belle of the ball
i wanna be pretty. these are a few pretty things. if you can't tell by know, i'm really feeling emerald as my go to color this season. it's just so darn... pretty! and such a gorgeous, drapey dress deserves great trimmings, such as the dainty gold jewelry. the birdcage bangle is me being very meta but it's set off nicely by the golden collar necklace. pops of velvet amethyst with the retro slingbacks and clutch. and just to bring a bit of androgyny to the game, because honestly too pretty for me makes me uncomfortable, the beige leather asymmetric collarless jacket is so necessary.
on the regular
let's be honest... i'm as chill as they come. and i wear more menswear inspired pieces that the über girly ones i see my super-ego wearing. in real life, you'd probably catch me in something more this speed, palling around the farmer's market on weekends. i may have souped myself up with the sneaks and the bag, but i love the relaxed look of that belted jacket with the, wait for it... emerald green panel top! i can't get enough! also, my newest obsession are those bangles and that ring. the jewelry looks vintage and personal and fits in with the throwback style of the flare jeans. all that's missing is the grande Starbucks cup! and i'm ready for fall!
sarah
breakthrough. break out. break down. break up.
breakthrough
spring is officially upon us, along with 80° weather and daffodils that died too soon. the colors and smells of spring rushed into our senses almost overnight, almost before we had time to process the change, but the headiness of it all was much welcomed. although spring isn't necessarily my favorite season, it is a season of new beginnings for me... a real time to reflect as my dormant consciousness yields to my wanderlust. i'm making plans. i'm making changes.
break out
unlike a caterpillar in it's cocoon, i made no real changes this past winter. i laid around, stuck most of the time. unable to move from my SAD state, praying that warmer weather might just change things. but, now that it's warm enough to move around, i've got plans... i wanna look good. i wanna look gooooood! i feel like stepping out in a dress so flowy, so feminine, with the thinnest of straps, made in the softest of materials. i feel like moving around, getting back into yoga, getting back on the tennis court. i feel like spreading my wings, to go somewhere, to do something. wine festivals, New Orleans, Atlanta Greek... i've got plans to make moves.
break down
but, i've got no money. #shruglife. it's easy to look at the news and scoff at the unemployment rates when you have a job that you complain about every other day. but let me give you first hand knowledge. IT'S REAL! i've been looking for work for months with no real leads. i've been told i'm overqualified for a job that i only need to pay the rent. it's depressing and humbling. i've never had to rely on other people. growing up, you never had to worry about Sarah. i was quiet and smart and could take care of myself. i had a good head on my shoulders, as my elder would say. but now, i feel so utterly helpless, with my mother and boyfriend footing the bill for my life. the best part of it all, is you really take pleasure in the smallest of things, such as your friend buying you French fries and a latte because those are guilty pleasures you can no longer afford. i am thankful for so much, although there is latent anxiety and depression.
break up
more than anything, i'm ready for the midwinter monotony to dissipate. with longer nights comes a longing to do more, be more. even if it starts with a good spring cleaning, hopefully that act will make way for new things to bloom in my life. maybe some frustrations will begin to clear up with a clean slate. i wonder what this spring will bring.
sarah
i have weight issues.
like, i'm not obese, but i am overweight. i got my my yearly check up and i'm perfectly healthy, but my BMI puts me at risk. which is a mess because i know more unhealthy thin people that i know unhealthy overweight people. you could argue that it's because bigger people are more aware and under a scope and thinner people feel as if they can eat whatever the hell they want. actually, you couldn't argue that because i would have no comeback. congratulations.
be that as it may, i could stand to lose some weight. i know that it would not only make me look better, but feel better. you know what sucks about losing weight though? a lot of things. but, here are four of them right off the top of my head:
1. the damn gym
heaven if you're a fit gay man. hell if you're a fat anything else. let that irony wash over your brain.
scrolling through my newsfeed on Facebook, i stumbled on this status: "i shoulda took my chunky butt to the gym, but no what did i do. i stayed home and relaxed. UGH WHY DO I HATE THAT PLACE SO MUCH! WHAT CAN MAKE THIS EXPERIENCE BETTER BESIDES MUSIC! JESUS...I KEEP PRAYING ON IT."
and i felt an immediate understanding. here's the rub though. it's not the actual working out that makes the gym uncomfortable. it's the people. here is another status i read on Facebook: "ugh! so many fatties at the gym today hogging up the ellipticals!" all i'm trying to do is defattify myself and i have to field stares and snarky laughter, whether real or imaginary, from all of the hot people who seem to be working out for no damn reason. i just wanna yell, "get your skinny ass off the machine! what are you doing here anyway? don't you have a perfect party for perfect people with perfect asses to attend??" which brings me to point two, because the damn gym is full of...
2. judgy people
there is no denying the stigma that surrounds being overweight. most people believe it to be as simple as 1,2,3. put the fork down, jump on a treadmill, stop being a loser. but no one takes the time to realize the huge mental roadblock involved in being fat and losing weight. people don't put on weight for no reason. i can easily say that at the happiest point in my life so far, i was also at my healthiest in terms of weight. conversely, at the most unhappiest and stressful point in my life, i am the heaviest i have ever been. some people thrive on stress... others do not. just tune in to one episode of biggest loser and you will see that emotions and weight go together like hazelnuts and chocolate. it's not so easy as jumping on a treadmill, and those that do take this route will not see long lasting benefits. you have to deal with the inside and let the outside follow suit. which brings me to...
3. losing the protective force field
i watch ruby, on style channel. it's the journey of a woman who lived most of her adult life being over 400lbs, being 716lbs at her heaviest, to lose weight. this past season, she got down to 330lbs before she hit a wall, finding life approaching the 200s as scary and unfamiliar. she was just starting to explore more options in terms of food, fashion, and dating. but, subconsciously, she started to eat more and put back on the weight that she had worked so hard to lose. why? neither she nor the audience knows the answer, but there was a traumatic event that occurred when she was younger that she cannot remember. she only has memories after the age of 12 and in all of those memories she was fat. in talks with her counselor, friends, and family, they all believe that she was probably abused. her mother knows more that she lets on but does admit that she may have contributed to her being larger to protect her from people. (o_O)
i can't lie and say that i don't understand this thinking, even though intentionally fattening someone up just to "protect" them is akin to abuse, but there are countless anecdotes from people who are overweight who also have troubles letting go of tragedies and past abuses. I can say that when i was thinner, i would get a lot of attention from people. not all of that attention was positive and i've ended up with a broken heart or two. conversely, i can say that, being larger, i am usually surrounded good natured people. the men whom i date seem to like me for who i am inside and aren't so much hung up on physical attributes. the friends i have made are true, because if you don't like a person just because they're fat, you're an asshole right?
4. nothing
i have to say, compared to cuisine and travel, being fat is escapism at it's worst. it's expensive many times over. i have a group of friends with whom i do dinner once a month. once a month, we pick a restaurant, preferably one that none of us has been to before, and we catch up on life. it's great because we are all in grad school, which dominates +50hrs of our lives a week, so we have a chance to stay connected. however, since we are all in grad school, looking at the bill for these lengthy dinners, which almost always is at an upscale restaurant and includes much needed cocktails, my student budget suffers.
on top of that, when the seasons change and i switch over from winter to summer wear, or vice versa, and things don't fit like they did last year, that means i have to invest in a whole new seasonal wardrobe that i, again, can't really afford. not to mention, it feels really wasteful buying clothes for what one deems as a temporary phase in their lives, all because "i'll start working out tomorrow" has been a mantra for three months. if i actually did work out today, instead of tomorrow, and continue that pattern, i would unlock a wardrobe of fly clothes that i haven't been able to wear in years.
living in tomorrow doesn't work very well for the overweight. when i think about how much time i have wasted so that my today can be better, i get really depressed about it. if i had kept up with working out/yoga/tennis that i started last semester, i'm pretty sure The Life of Sarah would be a much different one. on the flip side, dwelling on yesterday doesn't work either. lamenting about was happened or didn't happen last week/month/year only digs a deeper hole. and when you're fat, climbing out of a hole seems damn near impossible.
sarah
if you've been peeping my Facebook or Twitter page, you'll notice that i've been lamenting my shitty shoe collection for about a month or so now. i've been whining non-stop about how all of my shoes are run over, out of season, or have been melted with lab-grade chemical solvents. so, i set out to re-do my shoe wardrobe and promptly failed.
my mother could tell you childhood stories about how shoe shopping with me is a nightmare. i am very particular about my shoes; i know what i want and won't settle for anything less. the problem with that is i don't necessarily follow trends. my sense of style is very intuitive and, not to toot my own horn, about a season or two ahead of a lot of people. blame it on the fact that i'm a psycho psychic Capricorn, but i was wearing moccasins and screen tees a whole year before the rest of the world ruined the trend. i'm classy and whatnot.
but, forreals, i get into my head about what kinda shoe i want based on how i'm feeling about the season and expect to walk up in a store and find it. this makes for very frustrating shopping experiences, a few "Come to Jesus" talks, and tons of settling on my part. i hate settling. but, it has gotten trifling at this point and my shoes are embarrassing. i've been scouring the net to see what's available, and of course all the shoes styles i like aren't available in the color/fabric i'm lusting after. #fail. something is seriously wrong with me. anywho, here is what i'm settling for thinking about buying for the summer. hopefully i'll be so busy and happy about getting something accomplished that i'll be distracted from the fact that i'll have to do this alllll over again come autumn, for which i haven't bought new shoes/boots for like 4 years. embarrassing.
want settling for
want settling for
i also want some Nike Dunks and some Sperry Top-siders, but i can't decide on which style to get... HELP!!!
sarah
even though it's been spring for like a while now, you wouldn't really know it by the weather, or my mood. although my emotions have somewhat been on the upswing and the extra hours of the day has in fact equaled extra smiles in my day, i still have a ways to go and i really ought to clean shop.
as i was telling a good friend of mine, twelve hour days in the lab six days a week doesn't really afford me the time or energy to want to cook or clean. i realize how trifling that may sound but it's the truth. however, on my off day, there should be just enough in me to want to do better. granted, my last off day was in fact a sick day; i coughed up something that moved... i did manage to do juuust enough laundry to get by for a week or so, but that was only the tip of the iceberg.
i'm giving myself today, my off day, to git 'er dunn. i've got laundry, a messy and empty kitchen, and a rainy day to lock me up. i got plans to clean up and restock. i'm gonna hit my TJs, since it'll be too rainy and out of my budget to drive to Wegmans, then come home and clean out my fridge, wipe down my appliances, and give a good scrubbing to some dishes and counters. later, i shall gather all my laundry and while it's washing, de-clutter my apt. it might be a good idea to vacuum as well.
don't panic; i only hang about 20% of my wardrobe. the rest gets folded.
in other news, my closet/wardrobe needs an overhaul. being a chemistry student affords me the chance to be an unkempt mess über casual. but i would like to inject some much needed updates in my life. i read about a spring cleaning challenge on one of my favorite blogs and decided to discreetly take part. there are plenty of items in my closet that i just don't ever wear and would be best served to someone who will use it. i've donated clothes in the past and i believe it's time to give again. what's also missing in the picture are shoes, more that likely because they are strewn about the room. but i mostly wear sneaks. i've been seeing some lovely sandals this upcoming season though, so i'm using this spring cleaning as an opportunity to revamp my entire wardrobe. nothing to big and fancy and it's not really practical to wear $120 jeans to lab, but i can spice up my usual uniform of a v-neck tee and jeans easily, and hopefully cheap; being a grad student isn't that glamorous.
speaking of jeans, i gave them up for Lent. i seriously wear jeans 365 days a year, to the point wear they serve no real fashion purpose anymore. usually, if i can't find an outfit to wear, i just give up and throw on some jeans. i based (one of) my Lenten sacrifices on this. i challenged myself to really think about what i am wearing and coordinating my clothes. it was a success. my other sacrifices were much more mind bending, which is a surprise based on how absent-mindedly i throw on a pair of jeans. but tomorrow i get to fall into my favorite pair of jeans and i really can't wait.
sarah
so, i’d like to think that i used to be hot.
when i started high school, i remember asking a guy friend of mine if he thought i was beautiful. my mother has called me beautiful and so has my father. but, that’s kinda their job. they thought i was beautiful when i was covered in amniotic fluid and mucus. well, my mother did say i had a real awkward period but, at the time, she called me beautiful.
but, it’s different when the guy you’re attracted to calls you beautiful. it makes it more real. i wasn’t interested in my guy friend, but he wasn’t related to me so it was a step in the right direction. or so i thought. he told me no. that son of a bitch. if he had been a girl, he would have said, “totally! if i were a guy, i’d find you attractive for sure! and, you’re beautiful on the inside too.” but, since he lacked ovaries, there wasn’t a cloud of estrogen and lies to cushion the truth.
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| me on the left |
the consolation prize he offered was that i was cute. and definitely sexy. he’d do me. okay. i can work with that. i’m about 5’8” and, in high school, i was about 145-155lbs. i waivered between sizes 8-10, mostly hips. and i fed my effortlessly flat stomach with chili cheese fries and cookies & cream ice cream. but, i still wanted to be beautiful because, in my mind, hot chicks get laid; beautiful girls get married. and i’ve wanted to get married since i was four years old.
as i got older, i guess i grew into my own. i found a guy who found me hot and beautiful. i was sooo happy. we were in love, y’all. then he left. and since i couldn’t let him go, i let me go. so, 45lbs later, i am no longer hot. and i’m barely cute anymore. granted, i still get stares and catcalls and compliments. but, i just figure guys call me cute and beautiful now because it might just land them in my pants with these hips.
when i contemplated going natural and going back to school 1000 miles from home, my mother, and many others, questioned my sanity. what are you running from? why are you cutting all that pretty hair? is something wrong? why you trying to get ugly before you find a husband? thanks for the support guys!
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| after i lost the weight... which i gained back |
so, i lost the weight and the hair. and i went back to school less than an hour away from my home. but the stress and loneliness is palpable. and getting your PhD with unresolved life issues takes its toll. just ask my formerly flat waistline. me at a size 14 is not hot. at least i don’t think so.
so, i’m sitting here watching I Used To Be Fat on MTV. high schoolers vow to reinvent themselves before they head off to college by losing a bunch of weight. and here i thought college was place where mature scholars congregated for the purpose of higher learning… my bad! but, i get it. the freshman fifteen is real (it was ten for me). the first episode was about a homecoming queen who felt unhot at 253lbs. but, it would seem that she has a majority vote who thought she was rad, so why the inner lack of confidence? confidence is key! if you build it, they will come.
but i’m going to make like the homecoming queen and take my hot back. who knows how long it will take. i’m undisciplined and lazy as hell. but i’m just putting it out there. at least i know what my problem is. i generally don’t have an eating problem; i don’t exist on chili cheese fries anymore. i have a moving problem. my emotions are tied in my activity level. when i get sad/depressed/stressed, i literally can’t move. so, i need to find a something to push me past that point. a motivation. and it shall be my formerly hot self.
