another week down and what a rough one it was. i mean, my spirits are high right now but i'm sooooo tired! this was my first full week at my new job and i'm just getting used to the commute, which is a lot rougher than it should be. it should take 1.5hrs, but DC traffic is terrible! i don't remember it being this bad and the scary thing is, i don't think there is anything the city can do about it; it's just overcrowded. it takes 2 hours for me to get home, if i'm lucky, and by the time i do, i have three hours to maybe cook, maybe shower, and catch my breath with a bit of TV. then i pass out before 11p and wake up at 6a to do it all over again. i'll get used to it tho. i am grateful for the job and that i'm not in the house on my ass all day.
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Sunday


in celebration of Father's Day, here is a picture of me and my daddy at my master's graduation this year. my father and i are kindred spirits... i get my extroverted, pensive nature from him and as such i've always been a daddy's girl.


Monday


photo a day: something you didn't know about me - i used to play tennis with a passion. you wouldn't know it these days because i haven't picked up my racket since my junior year of college. i played my last game a week after my ex and i broke up in 2005 and even didn't play my last year in undergrad. i've been wanting to get back on the court for the past three years, but grad school, lack of time and money... one day.


Tuesday


photo a day: imperfect. my pinky fingers are a bit imperfect. they both bend inward instead of being straight, like my other fingers.


Wednesday


photo a day: fave photo i've ever taken - Tiffany would kill me if she knew i posted this picture, LOL! this is from senior year of undergrad. for Tiff's 21st birthday, we decided to do 21 shots. chaos ensued and i snapped this picture. crazy night. drink responsibly.


Thursday


i was really feeling this lady's style... her turban with a side bow, her pageboy haircut underneath. it made me frown at my own frumpy style. moreover, working in DC a block away from a mall and tons of shops, i feel so shabby, not chic. a couple of weeks ago, i was sobbing on my bf's bed about how unpretty i felt. he was there for me though, telling me all the reasons why he was there by my side. i still wanna go on a shopping spree though. i could only afford to buy one pair of shoes this day. so i did.


Friday


after a kinda rough Thursday, this gif i found made my Friday really breezy. it had me giggling well into the evening.


Saturday

because i'm just getting used to my new job and my commuting schedule, i didn't even make it out of bed Saturday, so i have no picture to post for this day ( ._.) sorry! good news is, i feel really well rested today and am ready for the work week!

another roller coaster week. things started off kinda wonky but ended on such a high note... graduation, a wine festival, family, friends, love... i'm still smiling and my head is still spinning.

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Sunday




photo a day: something i can't live without... my DVR. as a Capricorn, i hate to waste time. my DVR affords me the luxury of watching 3 hours of television in less than two! the downside... no commercials, although i don't know how much of a downside that is.




Monday




photo a day: where i stand. this is the front half of my living room. that open doorway on the left leads to my tiny charming kitchen. as you can see, i need way more pillows on my daybed/sofa and i should probably empty my recycling bin.




Tuesday




photo a day: pink. the fact that there is pink ink on my eggs telling me its expiration date makes me never want to buy eggs from the mini mart down the street again. but i'm broke and they were something like $1.29 for a large dozen. #shruglife




Wednesday




photo a day: technology. i've been keeping a secret. no, i don't love Apple products. but, i do have a job. i'm a tele-agent. you call with issues about your Apple products, i answer. it's a home-based position and i hate it. hate it so much that i no longer do it and have to return all of these Apple incentives. #NCT




Thursday




photo a day: something new. these are a pair of really cute and deceptively uncomfortable shoes my mom bought me for mother's day.




Friday




graduation day! if i'm honest with you, i was not looking forward to this day. graduations have been very anti-climatic in my experience. it's supposed to be a joyous occasion, then something happens and everything is ruined. someone has a bad attitude, doesn't feel like waiting, it's notoriously hot as hell... but i have to say, this was the best day ever! my family and friends really showed up, i actually enjoyed crossing the stage and was the first person in line, and the ceremony was really short and sweet. i enjoyed this day so much, i'm gonna post another picture!



these are some really pretty flowers, two bouquets of lilies. the white ones are from my father. the orange ones, my favorite, are from my boyfriend. i went out to lunch with my friends where i lavished over my accomplishments, the past, where we see our futures, and i opened my cards and cried. life was great right there over lunch eating cheap Chinese food, as it should always be.


Saturday


went to the Caribbean Wine Fest Saturday with my sorority sisters. this sea of people... that was just the mosh pit! there were twice as many people in the tents surrounding it. there was food and music and wine/drinks galore. it was a blast and a great way to end the week (^_^)

my bad for even thinking i could get these up every Saturday. let's just say i'll have them up before the end of the weekend, 'kay? i know; i need to do better ( ._.)
follow me on Instagr.am @_sarah_smile, same as Twitter

Sunday


Fridays at Whole Foods are my favorite. they have great sales. for instance, i was able to get some good looking ground lamb for about $2.50 for a half pound! also, after a holiday, most grocery stores usually have an overstock. after this Easter, there was a lot of lamb. i took advantage and made this here lamb ragu. it was unctuous and comforting but still light.


Monday


found this photo of this persnickety kitten. he already owns his domain.


Tuesday


photo a day: something i'm grateful for - i remember this day as the day i'll always be grateful for good friends and good times.


Wednesday

i just love this color combo, high-gloss black, green, and ecru; the clever way it's expressed in the fruit bowl with the limes, pears, and avocados. the exposed brick in the living area... and peep the mirrored mantle!


Thursday


photo a day: black & white - this is me with some straight hair. i took this photo after my birthday this year. my friend Samantha took me to the gun range. it was terrifyingly empowering.


Friday


after a day of cruising the city with a latte in my hand, i come to find this from the postman. my cap and gown. i'm crossing the stage in a month for my master's degree.


Saturday


photo a day: 1pm - another week capped off by food with my boyfriend! LOL! we do more than pig out, i promise!

whoa! this blog looks something like a blog that was. or tried to be. I know that i’ve personally always tsked bloggers who couldn’t keep up with the simple demands of a blog. like, I didn’t think it was all that big a deal to write a blog. you pick a topic, write from your heart, throw in some stock photo and BAM! you’ve got a blog. so, for the life of me, i just couldn’t dig a blogger who let the blog collect dust for weeks without updating.

so yeah, about that… (¬_¬) *side eye to myself* silly me. this is much different that writing an online diary, which i had convinced myself it would be. i used write in a conventional diary and decided to make the leap so others may hold me accountable to my words and whimsy. it’s also odd because i out and out REFUSE to get an e-reader, but i was all down with the idea of an “online journal”.

but enough of that. where has my lazy ass been? especially since one of my last posts speaks on being a lazy ass… well, there is good news and bad news.

the good news is, i have NOT been lazy actually. no, i didn’t lose weight… i actually prolly gained some. my life have been so stressful lately that i didn’t even have time to think, much less think about what i’m eating, when i’m working out, and if i’m drinking enough water. the reason for all of that is i passed my Master’s exam. i officially have a master’s degree in chemistry. and all it took was a strained conversation with my advisor, some pushing on my part, 2 weeks of writing, and 2 weeks of marathon studying. the build-up to the main event was something i don’t ever want to put myself through again, even though i will have to 3 more times before i get my PhD. one thing i do know is that i handle stress very poorly. seriously though, i should be someone’s fucking housewife because i am just not cut out for stressful situations. i know some people thrive on that shit, but iCan’t.

the even better news is that i did pretty well. i impressed myself, my advisor, and even some of my colleagues. the oral exam was pretty quick, i got decent remarks, and i’m sure some people thought i would just plain fail, especially since a couple of my labmates came really close. yikes.

the bad news is that it can’t stop, won’t stop. diddy bop for me. i’m only halfway through my PhD program and i’ve got three more requirements to fulfill in three more years, including my second oral exam, the one which transforms me into Sarah, PhD candidate. even though i am relieved the first part is over, i just don’t wanna stomach a second one, not right now. i was losing sleep and hair from the stress. also, i’ve got a ton of work to catch up on. i essentially halted all reactions for a month while i was writing and studying. it paid off in the end, but getting back in my hood was very surreal. and of course i broke a piece of glassware, just to get the party started (-___-)
 
my boss is leaving for the following semester and he usually goes on a rampage right before he leaves and right after gets back. i’ve got a lot of work to do and a lot to make up for. but it seems that my never-ending quest to prove myself to my advisor just isn’t over yet. and that, dear children, is the bad news.

even though it's been spring for like a while now, you wouldn't really know it by the weather, or my mood. although my emotions have somewhat been on the upswing and the extra hours of the day has in fact equaled extra smiles in my day, i still have a ways to go and i really ought to clean shop.

as i was telling a good friend of mine, twelve hour days in the lab six days a week doesn't really afford me the time or energy to want to cook or clean. i realize how trifling that may sound but it's the truth. however, on my off day, there should be just enough in me to want to do better. granted, my last off day was in fact a sick day; i coughed up something that moved... i did manage to do juuust enough laundry to get by for a week or so, but that was only the tip of the iceberg.

i'm giving myself today, my off day, to git 'er dunn. i've got laundry, a messy and empty kitchen, and a rainy day to lock me up. i got plans to clean up and restock. i'm gonna hit my TJs, since it'll be too rainy and out of my budget to drive to Wegmans, then come home and clean out my fridge, wipe down my appliances, and give a good scrubbing to some dishes and counters. later, i shall gather all my laundry and while it's washing, de-clutter my apt. it might be a good idea to vacuum as well.


in other news, my closet/wardrobe needs an overhaul. being a chemistry student affords me the chance to be an unkempt mess über casual. but i would like to inject some much needed updates in my life. i read about a spring cleaning challenge on one of my favorite blogs and decided to discreetly take part. there are plenty of items in my closet that i just don't ever wear and would be best served to someone who will use it. i've donated clothes in the past and i believe it's time to give again. what's also missing in the picture are shoes, more that likely because they are strewn about the room. but i mostly wear sneaks. i've been seeing some lovely sandals this upcoming season though, so i'm using this spring cleaning as an opportunity to revamp my entire wardrobe. nothing to big and fancy and it's not really practical to wear $120 jeans to lab, but i can spice up my usual uniform of a v-neck tee and jeans easily, and hopefully cheap; being a grad student isn't that glamorous.
speaking of jeans, i gave them up for Lent. i seriously wear jeans 365 days a year, to the point wear they serve no real fashion purpose anymore. usually, if i can't find an outfit to wear, i just give up and throw on some jeans. i based (one of) my Lenten sacrifices on this. i challenged myself to really think about what i am wearing and coordinating my clothes. it was a success. my other sacrifices were much more mind bending, which is a surprise based on how absent-mindedly i throw on a pair of jeans. but tomorrow i get to fall into my favorite pair of jeans and i really can't wait.

being in grad school doesn't really afford me too many luxuries. in fact, my like of all cotton everything (sheets, shirts, skivvies) means that my idea of luxury is quite far removed from reality, right down to dating. the average woman might go to happy hour once or twice a week and then go clubbing with their girls on the weekend. i remember when i had a job job, ahh memories, i would party about 4 nights a week and still go to work as fresh as a daisy. all of this allowed the opportunity to meet single and eligible men. during this stint at the job job, i also keep a rotating Rolodex of dates. you do the math: 4 nights out a week in DC full of attractive and capable young men... in short, i became a serial first dater.

before i get nostalgic and whatnot, let's just say that's the past. and my present is not as rosy. i spend 10-12 hours a day in lab, i barely make it home lucid enough to throw together a gourmet meal for myself and veg out in front of the tube before passing out and doing it all over again in 8 hours. long story short, i don't really have the time to go out and meet anyone. most days, the only time i spend outside is getting on and off the shuttle. and also, i kinda just hate the club. it's dark and loud and musty and i imagine that's what hell must be like.

so, i decided, if i am ever to get married in this lifetime, i have to make a move, a smart move. and that is why i chose online dating.

the next step was to choose my platform. which site to choose. i could pick Match¹ or eHarmony; their commercials are catchy and convincing. but a student's stipend just would not support that. so, free platforms it is. i tried out a few but settled on one that had high traffic. i figured i trusted my own instincts when it came to judging character, but boy was i wrong. i'm not going to put the name of the dating site, but let's just say the people who frequent it are plenty offish.

i though i could handle myself to weed out the crazies and undesirables, but the difference between the club and online services is opportunity. men online have time, space, and opportunity to market themselves in a more effective fashion. it's the difference between trying out a new sample right in the aisles of Costco and watching an effective commercial for the same product on TV and going to get 12 cases of that product from Costco, whether the product is good or not.

but, i will not be fooled again. besides, i'd rather feel that spark, that connection one only gets in real time.

¹i have, in fact, paid for services from Match.com in the past, but was displeased with their delivery. you can sign up for free and just receive winks, but you can't receive messages. while in this trial phase, i received numerous winks, messages, and profile views, enough to make me think it was worth the moolah to splurge for a 3 month package. after forking over my money, however, my communications mysteriously went down about 85%. they got me. and my money.


further reading: Three Possible Reasons Why Online Dating’s Just Not That Into Black People

update: even further reading - The 10 Men You Should Never, Ever, Ever Consider Dating

i'm slowly, but surely, pulling myself out of the abyss.

after the pity party thrown by some friends, i decided enough was enough. i started small. with cooking.

cooking is a joy of mine. just the simple act of chopping a carrot can be very relaxing. there isn't a lot of thought involved (which, after a day of chemistry publications and syntheses, i welcome) and the melodic tapping of the knife against the cutting board is very soothing for me. but i hadn't cooked since shit hit the fan. in fact, i was afraid to see what science experiment had cooked up in my Le Creuset, since it had been sitting on my kitchen prep table since my birthday. yeah... i'm trifling.

but, if i ever want to get back to the things i enjoy, i have to start at the beginning and clean my damn kitchen. and i hate cleaning. one of the things i miss most about my ex is that he loved to clean up after a meal. but, like Lil Wayne, i'm single. i should have worn a face mask with all of the mold that clouded my sink, but i had good music blasting so i didn't even care. Bilal and Corinne Bailey Rae have that effect on me. the transformation from dark and dank to clean and sparkly really lifted my spirits.


i feel a little bit better. actually, a lot a bit better. i think i'm one more home cooked meal away from tackling my next feat: starting yoga or tennis again. the main reason it has taken so long is because the classes are really late. call it SADs, but seeing the sun set before 5.30p makes me wanna crawl in bed and stare into space, otherwise know as Teen Mom and Jersey Shore. there are some in the morning but doing yoga in the morning, or anything outside of trying not to brush my teeth with my bowl of Frosted Flakes, is an impossibility. however, since the days are getting longer and warmer, i think i can do it. i just don't wanna crash and burn. i get out of lab at 7p, yoga starts 15 minutes after until 8.30p, after prime time and i have to figure out what to do about dinner... no matter how calming it is, i do not wanna be chopping veg at 9p. besides, i can't eat that late. and tennis is the same story; the club meets really late. and i think i want to get into better shape BEFORE i start tennis. weird but i just know that my large boobs and belly will make me feel uncomfortable chasing the ball.

it'll work out because it has to... because i want it to.

i'm in a dark place. and i can't see my way out.
they say the third year is the toughest. imagine you're crossing a bridge on a foggy night. you can't see the end of the bridge, but the beginning is enough to have you believe that there is a new and exciting place on the other side. and all you have to do is start driving. now... imagine the middle of the bridge. you're surrounded by fog. you can't see where you've come or where you're going. all of the confidence that you had when you started is gone and you wanna turn back, but who knows... if you just go a little bit farther, maybe you won't feel as lost or you've just dug yourself deeper. it's a dark place.

i've found that i've lost myself. i've been trying so hard to keep myself, that i've almost forgotten who i am and where i wanted to go. i've been holding on so tight, i've been forgetting to breathe. and i feel like i'm dying. it hurts.

all of my old pleasures feel like chores and all of my chores are a constant reminder of how trifling and disgusting i am. i don't have time to eat or dream because i am so tired. so, all i've got now are 11 hour days, 6 days a week, and Sundays spent cleaning out my DVR but not my house, which would command more attention and physical exertion.

but i'm constantly getting wider. i barely eat, but because i barely move, i am steadfastly getting heavier. ah well... i'll just add it to my list of complaints which, thank God, is expanding faster than my waistline. maybe if i get rid of all of my joy, i shall come to appreciate the suffering, and isn't that what life is about? if i get used to it now, the idea of struggling will hopefully become second nature.

i used to be a happy person. and now i barely recognize myself. and if i've totally lost myself, what's the fucking point?? i've gotta get myself back. that way, when this is all over, we can have a huge party where happy me and her disfigured twin can laugh and cry and fight over whether i should have been more cutthroat or more appreciative of the moments where i slowly but surely became a philosopher of foggy futures.

so, i've mention this before, in passing. but, i didn't get into a lot of details about it. frankly, it was embarrassing and depressing. here goes...

i am a grad student in chemistry in a good program. i am studying for my PhD under an internationally acclaimed chemist. i am one of three black women in the entire department. none of these things do i take for granted. ever. i feel immense pressure everyday. i struggled in the beginning about doing it for myself versus fighting the good fight, based on the statistic that less than 1.56% of chemistry PhDs are awarded to blacks (the statistic itself was so low that it could not be broken down into male or female demographics and the percent error was high). there were a lot of people who wanted to push me out or leave me behind because they felt i could never hack it as a chemist just by looking at me. a lot of people never gave me a chance.

my boss did. we already had a rapport since i had taken a couple of classes with him. he thought i was charming and showed a lot of promise. he dug my inquisitive nature, as most PhD students tend to have a lot of bravado when it comes to how much they know. the chemistry was a little different than my own interests, but it was groundbreaking and respected. so, we gave each other a chance.

those first few months were gloriously hectic. i researched a lot, getting to know a whole area of chemistry that i had initially brushed off, and i spent long hours in the lab doing tedious extractions and purifications. i tend to be a real stickler with that stuff and i take pride in being very precise. but, i was also enjoying my new environment and colleagues. until the newness wore off.

i no longer enjoyed the long hours and the "friends" i had in the lab. i missed my family, my city, my real friends. i missed my old body, before it was wreaked by weight gain and constant stress sickness. i wanted a boyfriend, even if just to have some one to tell me at the end of the day that everything was going to be okay. it was too much to sacrifice. and i wasn't enjoying myself or my 20s. consequently, i wasn't enjoying the process of grad school anymore.

about 4 months ago, the hammer came down. a girl in my lab let it slip that she wasn't doing her due diligence of writing in her lab notebook everyday. our advisor demanded we all turn in our notebooks for inspection. much to the surprise of nobody else but him, all of our notebooks were a disgrace. but it really set him off. many of us were placed on thin ice with him and i no longer enjoyed an easy rapport with my boss. it became a contentious one, one where i would lose a lot of respect for him over the things he began to say and do.

the irony of the entire situation is that the girl who started it all escaped any real trouble. she neglected to tell our advisor that she keeps virtual notes on her laptop. she felt a tremendous guilt about this (in fact she just called me at home because i'm sick today... again) and has offered advice to those of us really feeling the heat. it didn't work fully because one guy, probably the coolest guy in the group, decided he couldn't take it and left the program. what's even sadder is that he had, at most, one year left. also, if you do an inspection of most notebooks of grad students, you would seriously contend a lot of published research.

but honestly, i did lose a lot of the fire i had from the beginning. all of the sacrifice was getting to me and i just wanted myself back. i wanted my happy back. i tried to take it, but as with most things, the shift in the balance meant that my studies suffered. but, from the moment i knew my future as a PhD was in jeopardy, i snapped back into reality. there were no more questions or doubts. i had to fully commit myself and my time. as a consequence, the road trip i had planned is canceled. i also decided to leave my post as social chair of the graduate representative organization. and, maybe i don't really have time for a relationship right now. but, i would come to appreciate what i gave up just to have that much more for myself in the end. i only have about three years left and i want to make my community proud, my family proud, but mostly i want to be proud of myself. there is a small part of me that believes the naysayers...

there's a lot of struggle and sacrifice in grad school, but the payoff is supposed to be that much more rewarding. you give up the best years of your life, in hopes that you are setting yourself up for an even more fantastic future. but i still wonder... when will i know if it was worth it?