i was at my usual table at my usual time craving venti iced sweet black tea instead of a grande whole milk mocha and wanted something complimentary to accompany it. Starbucks has recently added some great minis to its menu... mini cake pops, mini tarts, and mini pies, and i had my mouth all set for the mini apple pie. i figured the sweet apple with slightly salty pie crust would be a nice foil for the tea. everyone else must've had the same idea because the cafe near my house was freshly out of mini pies. ugh, i hate when that happens. Starbucks has a special talent for getting me hooked on a bakery item and pulling it/running out of it right when i crave it most. they did it with the maple sausage scone and again with the chocolate old fashioned donut, and now they were out of the mini apple pies. right when i was gonna settle for a croissant or the ever faithful iced lemon loaf, i spy something new... a chocolate cinnamon bread. hmm... wasn't really in the mood for cinnamon, but cinnamon and chocolate together might work. if you've never had Mexican chocolate, get some. it's nutty, chocolatey, and warmly cinnamontastic, which was what got me in the mood for this sweet bite.

did you remember to set your clocks forward? me neither... all digital everything.

but this shan't be about daylight savings time. this shall be an obvious segue, more so than my pride will ever let me admit, into the construct of time and how we use it in life. or misuse it.

no matter where you are on this earth or in your life, a second is a second. a minute is constant. so, why then, does a second feel like a minute depending on the moment in your life? when you're experiencing trauma or boredom, just one second could feel very different. i've known that all in one day, some seconds seem to have been much more tedious and drawn out than all the others... that i remember some and can't even recall another... that few seem like a gift and many seem to escape my grasp even when i've gripped ever so tightly. when i'm running late, i pray for five minutes to extend themselves into 15. when someone else is running late, i pray that I'll be there in a sec! is the truest sec. and the years. THE YEARS! during the summer of 1995, i was convinced that was the longest year of my life. the summer was long, hot and unrelenting; the winter was even crueler. i felt perpetually eleven years old. these years, i regret ever asking time to speed up. slow down a minute, just for a second. time... what a grim fairy tale.

i am fascinated and extremely fearful of the concept of time, that by which we measure living. considering everything we use time to measure: speed, acceleration, momentum... like a ride in the car. how our lives are propelled through this virtual reality of time, ever stop a minute to think if you've taken the right road, if you've sped through the parts you should've slowed down for, if you missed a turn as a result, if you've enjoyed the ride? because this car hasn't the ability reverse and it has no brakes. that's the hardest thing to learn about time.

but, does time teach a lesson? i've had a lot of doubt, not necessarily regret, concerning my life. wondering about the decisions i've made, the ones that seem to have been made for me. were they the right ones, the most effective use of my time, and sometimes am i in the place i'm supposed to be in? maybe i just have too much time on my hands, or maybe this is just the right time to ask the right questions. when things feel off or i've experienced failure, i have to ask, what's the lesson to be learned by the roadblocks encountered in my life? there has to be a reason, right?

maybe it's because i have reached a certain age that i have become so introspective. life is short. one day i looked up, and my childhood was over. entering into a new phase in my life where the things i do and decisions i make hold more weight, carry more momentum... i feel as if i have very little room for error. the car keeps on rolling and the road ahead looks to be bumpier. but, with that realization also means i have a lot more time, a lot more life to live. a new phase. and no matter the doubt, regret, fails, wins, i still have ample time to live it. i might even be wasting time wondering if i've wasted time.

it's the middle of February and it is also 68°F. people are getting on their knees to pray. pray for their salvation based on this weather indicative of Revelations or to give thanks to be able to wear less wool, less clothing altogether. there are more smiles, more acts of kindness, more bodies in movement to enjoy what they expect to be a short window of time for such unseasonable warmth.

but even on the coldest day of winter, i found a smile in my heart and a pep in my step. i wore yellow on a gloomy day. i gave thanks in a dire situation. my present is not a terribly happy one, but i refuse to let it just be terrible. it has been over four months since i have been put out of my so-called stable state. even with ample time to prevent destitution, here i arrive with no future prospects and no current allowance.

as a scientist, i understand heat transfer theory... thermodynamics. and the first law of thermodynamics basically states that the energy of an isolated system is equal to the amount of heat supplied minus the amount of work performed by the system on its surroundings. what i take from that is, no matter how cold the world gets, no matter how cold the opportunities are, as long as i'm willing to work at being happy and optimistic, i will have a warm disposition.¹

also, as a scientist, i understand how heat transfers itself; it moves to any cold body in contact with it, until an equilibrium is attained. and just because i have fallen on hard times does not means that other areas of my life are not white hot, just waiting for a connection to spread warmth to the cold corners of my life. i may not have much money, but i have tons of love, from friends, family, and my boyfriend.² i may not have a job, but i have time and wisdom to donate.

and even though i lament that my grocery store trips no longer include buying a cornucopia of cheeses, wine, and gourment bread, i know that the one type of cheese that i do have melted nicely on a slice of toast fills my body and soul sufficiently with memories. i have juuuust enough.

keep warm, keep happy, for cold times don't last always. and enjoy the heat waves to the fullest.

¹as you can see from this post, i am a starving and talented scientist. hook a sister up with a job if you can.

²oh yeah. i have a boyfriend now. he keeps me mostly smiling.

i was instantly in a foreign world where i no longer recognized or understood anything. not even myself. i had never failed, really failed at anything. sure, that summer as a camp counselor wasn't what i hoped it would be, but nothing as soul-shattering, heart-rending as being told "you failed".

how can one come back from that? slowly is best.

it's been almost four months since my whole world has shifted. and what a mighty quake it was. i've come to question a lot of things... my courage, my resolve, my resilience, everything i thought made me. and i'm still questioning. albeit with a lot less doubt in my voice.

it takes a lot to get back up when you've had the wind knocked from your gut. initially, you question whether you could ever breathe again. and when you try, those first few breaths are painful enough to welcome the thoughts that you should probably stop trying to breathe. but your instincts kick in and tell you to breathe slower, breathe through the pain, for in a while... the pain will surely subside.

pain don't last forever. and neither do tough times if you have the whimsy to believe it doesn't. and i live for whimsy, despite the melodramatic tone of the former half of this post.

so much has changed in a year. i'm in a completely different place. and even though i still can't completely see past this pain and this moment, history reminds me that life goes on.

two words: Blake Griffin



you're welcome

this. right here. is my. Swag.

this yummy salmon and rice bowl was a spur of the moment concoction to recreate my beloved Pineapple Fried Rice i used to order from My Thai, which was damaged in a fire this past February. it was also made while a favorite show of mine was airing, so it’s super simple, takes very little time and effort, and everything cooks at the same time. i tweeted a picture of it and was asked for the recipe, so voilà!

salmon rice bowl
this medley serves 2 people, or one hungry me, and is incredibly sweet, nutty, which just a kick of spice.


ingredients
½ lb salmon
2T agave nectar or honey
2t Adobo spice mix (which is onion and garlic powder, with salt and pepper)
½t cayenne pepper
1t olive or sesame oil
salt and pepper
½ cup perfect rice (recipe follows)
2T golden raisins or any dried fruit
2T toasted, slivered almonds
2T chopped spring onions

method
1. preheat oven to 425-450°F

2. make perfect rice by placing a pot over a high flame and throwing in ½ cup uncooked rice with 1T olive oil. toast rice in the hot oil while continuously stirring so rice doesn’t burn. toast the rice until it turns from translucent to chalky white, then add in 1 cup of water. bring water to a boil, reduce heat to low, then cover and let rice cook for 18-20 minutes. this makes the best, fluffy rice and is foolproof! it’s the only way i make rice.

3. while rice is cooking, take out salmon and pat dry, then mix together the agave nectar, Adobo, cayenne, oil, and enough salt and pepper to taste in a bowl. rub the glaze onto the fish, place into a baking dish and cook in the oven for about 12 minutes or until the fish is flaky but still a bit pink in the center.

4. chop about 2 large spring onions and add to a bowl with the raisins and almonds. you can substitute the golden raisins with any sweet, dried fruit such as cranberries, apricots, or currants (which i wanted but it wasn’t available). i would keep with the almonds because of the mild taste and high crunch, which you need with the soft rice, fruit, and fish, but you can also sub in peanuts or cashews.

5. enjoy the next ten minutes of downtime or you can do what i did and toss some asparagus (or green beans or broccoli florets) in some olive oil and Adobo, then place in a roasting dish in the oven until the fish is done. see, veggies are easy.

6. rice should be ready, so remove from heat, fluff with a fork, and place lid back on top to steam.

7. take fish out of oven, get excited about how it smells, then gently flake it apart with two forks.

8. fold the fish, fruit, nuts, and onions into the rice, drizzle with a little extra virgin olive oil, grind in some fresh pepper, maybe add a little parmesan or pecorino cheese if you’re feeling frisky. i didn’t have any pecorino ( ._.), so i just had a glass of wine... enjoy!