sometimes i feel as if i have no focus and that i am just rambling on and on and on... and i don't know why. at least, i didn't know why. until a date on the calendar reminded me. the road trip. my life trip. it was supposed to start today.
i can't even begin to explain how disappointed i am. i mean, i know why i can't go and i know that it doesn't mean that i won't ever go, but i felt as if this was my only chance. i rarely ever take the bull by the horns like this. i am a planner and a stickler for details and i also like a bit of randomness in my life, but this was to be the grandest undertaking. a planned random meandering across the country. and it makes me sad.
the list of places i want to visit are ever expanding, and i'm also afraid of being too late to see and touch and taste the things i really want to. it was right in my grasp and everything got fucked up. and i don't know what to do now, besides just keep on keeping on, but the stagnation of my current situation is suffocating me. light at the end of the tunnel my ass!
i was offered a reprieve. once all of the shit is over, in three years time, we will upgrade on the road trip and do a three week Mediterranean cruise instead. mega upgrade indeed. it seems so far away, it seems so worth it. all i have to do is be the model student and get the hell out of grad school in one piece with my doctorate in my back pocket. it's happening.
in the mean time, for the wonder, i'll have little spurts of adventure... just to keep me sane.